Dear UNL,
Being a student at UNL, well being a student at any secondary education institution, you are bound to see some pretty weird stuff. Whether it be horrible fashion sense, football players texting while jaywalking, or even people talking to trees, it is bound to be different and not what you'd expect in the least. So this will be something...different.
Let us set the scene. It's getting to be around 12:28.... we're on our way into the Biology Lecture Hall. We look around for a seat as the room is packed with students who don't really seem to care, talking away as the professor readies himself at the front. We finally spot some seats in the right back corner next to the wall and make our way to our chosen destination. [Let us interrupt the story to describe these seats to you. They are very retro, hard plastic, obnoxiously yellow chairs that are bolted securely (or so we thought) to the ground. Permanently attached to them are swingy desks that are barely big enough for your note book. Now these seats are strangely shaped, but once you look past this, you notice the color is much like Tweety Bird. Now back to our story.] We pick up our bags, suck in our tummies, and tiptoe and stumble down the aisle tossing out "Oh! Excuse me!" and "I'm sorry!" 's along the way as students do not do the polite thing(which is making the trip easier by moving out of the way). Instead, they seem intent on making the journey horribly uncomfortable and slinking lower in their chair so you are forced to trip and jump over their legs. We are sure you can imagine the trouble we had making it to the coveted chairs on the wall. Just picture us flailing our arms, jumping up and down, and maybe even squawking. Once we made it, we collapsed into the chairs, noticing we made it with less than a minute to spare.
Not even 15 seconds later, a guy stumbles up behind us, asks if the one last chair in the room is taken. Now notice that this chair is three away from the wall and there are at least four other people on the other side where normal students would think to enter. This guy, obviously under the influence of something(sleep deprivation, drugs, alcohol, post hit by a car shock, we can't say), decides that trying to make the journey like we did, was not on the agenda. So he tosses his back pack over the chair and onto the floor. By this time, we are thoroughly interested in what he's going to do. Is he going to crawl under the chair and appear on the other side? Will we witness a real live, Harry Potter-like apparition? Is he going to take a running start and vault over the chair? No, none of the previous happened. He raised one leg and set his big, huge foot down on the chair and he hefted himself up and ov- Yup, it kinda stops there. At least his ascent into the chair. The chair, who now has feelings, decides that it doesn't really enjoy some stranger's humungo, stinky feet stepping on it's face. So it snaps in anger and frustration. Literally. The two bolts on the back of the chair stretch up and snap, as if in slow motion, the heads of the bolts flinging forward into the rows of students in front. The tile jumps up, as if still connected to the chair and then flies backwards and hits the wall. All the while the chair is groaning and popping, like no other noisy firecracker could. Once he's kinda fallen onto what would have been killa, had she not moved, he kinda looked at us, looked at the chair and went..".....uhhhhhhhh.......". He starts to move the chair and notices it's only attached to the floor by two bolts in the front. He pushes the chair back and it bobs forward again, like one of those balancing birds. He pushes it a couple more times and it bobs forward again. He watches the chair do this several times, each time looking like he never knew it could do that, before he realizes that if he
sits in it, the chair will stay down. So he sits in the broken, saddened chair and has to continually re-adjust his spot on the tile as the chair keeps slipping. We sit there alternating between disbelief that he broke this poor, innocent little chair and laughing at his uncomfortable misfortune.
That was pretty much the most interesting first four minutes of class EVER! Once class was out, the guy lit out of class like his tail was on fire and everyone passing down the aisle looked at the poor forlorn little chair. We were unable to help it and we dearly wish it was fixed. Stay classy, UNL. We will always love you(and start a People for the Ethical Treatment of Chairs and Furniture).
Sincerely,
killa & barney
